The Contest: Part II

The contest officially ended yesterday, May 27. It was a long road, one full of blood, sweat, tears, and heartache. Memories were realized, memories were shattered. Lives were changed.


This is Jimmy, or at least it should've been. He failed to show for the judging. We do, however, have confirmation from an unnamed witness that as of Sunday, May 25 Jimmy was clean-shaven and defiant. He purportedly justified his actions saying, 'My wife was ashamed and we had dinner plans with friends. At least the other guys look like they actually have facial hair!' Very sad, Jimmy. Wide is the path to destruction, but narrow is the path to righteousness. Jimmy will soon be donning a new pair of skin patches where his eyebrows used to be.


Mr Cei, the Welshman, after a few days' growth. You'll remember that he shaved for his hot date and, according to sources, it went quite well. Cei is quoted as saying it was the most nerve-racking thing he's ever done. This is really saying something, considering he has run for parliment and had a kidney transplant! Also, it is widely agreed that he was right in thinking he could grow more in a week than Jimmy did in the month. Cei's penalty for shaving early is a full leg-waxing. It should be a real treat seeing those smooth and white Welsh legs.


Jon Swales, the northerner. Jon did quite well with his beardage, though you'll remember he was penalized for leaving his sideburns for the contest. His penalty has just been decided, and it's a good one. Firstly, though, we should consider some breaking news. Jon is a New Testament research student studying the ideas of N.T. Wright, a world renown scholar. Ironically, just yesterday at the contest's close he got word he'd been accepted to an elite gathering at Oxford this weekend, at which Dr Wright will be speaking. Now, we figure the gathering should be especially interesting considering Jon's contest penalty: perfectly shaving half his beard. That's right, directly below the nose a line will be drawn down his chin to his neck. From that line over his beard will be shaved, leaving him with one half of a beard. He and his half beard will be meeting Dr Wright this weekend. We've suggested Jon meet Dr Wright from the side.


Big Dave Brae. Dave also did well, though not well enough. He lost out at the end because nothing but his neck would grow hair. And a neck beard is no beard at all. Of course, there's been some controversy over the judging. Mr Daniel Lowery, the judge who is also an American, granted me the victory but Dave declared it was an unfair ruling due to Dan's 'obvious bias for Americans'. Dave suggested instead that we ask Vanessa Parr, a Brit. Ironic. All this said, though, nobody seems to be convinced by Mr Brae's appeal, and it's beginning to feel a little like Al Gore's litigation against the Florida voting system. Dave will be sporting a new pair of handlebar staches for the end of year celebration.


Ladies and gentlemen, your winner. Yes, I won the contest, a true milestone in my life and academic career. I'll be updating my resume soon with this new achievement. I'm expecting the book and made-for-T.V.-movie deals to start coming in soon. Of course, it's all overshadowed by the small fact that by the age of 20 my dad could grow a lumberjack beard.